


Careful Fear and Dead Devotion

by Anonymous



Category: One Piece
Genre: M/M, Repression, reference to past child abuse, so much repression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21729805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Some days, Sabo reminds Dragon of Luffy's mother. That worries him, but not as much as the realization that him being like Luffy's mother isn't the real reason Dragon feels this way.
Relationships: Monkey D. Dragon/Sabo
Comments: 6
Kudos: 80
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Found some Dragon/Sabo fics I wrote in like 2016 and they're actually not terrible so I decided to post them, albeit anonymously because they're pretty off-brand from the rest of my content.
> 
> I know this is a really small ship but I figured what few other people like it would appreciate new stuff! 
> 
> Also I just found a chapter 2 for this hidden away in a notebook so as soon as I type that up I guess I'll add it.

Some days he looked so much like her.

Their appearances were completely different, of course. She was short and muscular, and he was tall and thin as a rod. She had black hair and black eyes, he had blonde hair and brown eyes.Their skin tones and complexions and facial structures were completely different. By all accounts and purposes they had nothing in common.

And yet they were identical.

The way they smiled when things went right. The sparkle in their eyes at the mention of overthrowing authority. Their unbridled rage against the system and unending empathy for others even if they had no connection to them.

Some days when Dragon looked at Sabo, all he could see was her.

Today was one of those days.

“We have to help them!”

“We don’t have the manpower.”

“So what are we going to do, just stand by and watch the marines slaughter them?”

Sabo was imploring Dragon to send troops to a country half a world away. He knew nothing about the country except that they’d been forced into war with the government for daring to question the New World prison system, but there were tears in his eyes as if his own family was in danger.

“I’m telling you, we don’t have the troops,” Dragon repeated.

“Commander, you can’t-“

“But we do have you. If you believe you can go there on your own with your own power and put an end to the war, then I will not stop you.”

A smile spread across Sabo’s face. “Fuck, thank you, Dragon-san! I will! I’ll save them!”

He looked more like her in his anger than he ever did, more like her in his gratitude than ever before. Dragon’s stomach twisted and he turned away.

“What’s wrong?” Sabo accused. “You don’t believe I can do it? I managed it in Vira.”

“No, I have complete and utter faith in you. If I didn’t think you could, I wouldn’t have appointed you my right hand man.”

“Then what’s with that expression?”

Dragon couldn’t very well tell him that he reminded him of the woman he’d loved who died twenty years ago. That was far too personal, and Dragon tried to escape personal matters as much as possible. Even Ivankov knew close to nothing about his family and past loves.

“No, it’s just…I admire your drive. Always have,” he said.

Sabo awarded him a cocky smirk. “Aw, Boss, that’s sweet.”

Why was it the exact same smirk she’d use when she teased him? Dragon despised how hard his chest was clenching.

He was usually so restrained, so in control of himself and his emotions. That was what made him a good leader and diplomat.

Because of this, it came as a total surprise to even he himself what he did next:

He grabbed Sabo lightly by the shoulders and kissed him.

It was wrong, it was impulsive, it was a mistake- and yet he could feel Sabo kiss back and he was glad of it. When they broke apart they were both breathless and unsure what to say.

“You know, I got the message when you said you admired my drive. You didn’t have to hammer down the compliment with that,” Sabo said. His tone was joking, but he was clearly shaken.

He didn’t look much like her anymore, in that moment. She was never shaken or surprised by anything, always confident and boisterous. It was in that moment that Dragon realized something even more horrible than the thought that he’d kissed his subordinate because he looked like his dead lover- it was that he _hadn’t_ kissed him because he looked like her, and instead just because he’d want to kiss him.

“I-I should go,” Dragon stammered.

Sabo looked even more thrown by this than by the kiss itself. “What? You can’t just…bail out after that.”

“What do you expect me to do? Do it again?”

“I want you to tell me why you did it in the first place. And then maybe do it again, yeah.”

“Well, I don’t know why,” Dragon said.

“People don’t go around kissing other people on the mouth for no reason, in my experience. Especially not people like you.”

“No, they don’t. There is a reason. I’m just not sure what it is.”

“Is it ‘cause you love me?”

Sabo was obviously teasing, but the question took Dragon off guard and he averted his eyes.

Sabo’s smile faltered. “You love me,” he repeated.

“I’m a revolutionary, and so are you. My love is for the cause. I have no other,” Dragon said.

“So you don’t love me,” Sabo said bluntly. “You’re really throwing me for a loop here, Commander.”

“I can’t.”

“You can’t so you don’t, or you can’t but you do anyway?”

Dragon turned away again. “I just can’t. I have a meeting with the Sovarian king in half an hour. I have to go.”

He hurried away, leaving Sabo with an utterly confused expression.

That was what hurt the most, he realized on his way to the meeting. Sabo had looked confused, curious, vaguely amused. That was not the face of a person who loved him back.

Loved him _back?_ No, for Sabo to do that, Dragon’d have to have loved him in the first place, and he certainly didn’t.

He groaned. What was he, a schoolchild denying a crush? Whether he loved Sabo or not was meaningless- as he’d said, he _could_ not. Not least because of the age difference or Sabo’s position as his subordinate, but because Dragon did not have the time or emotional energy and could not forfeit his total devotion to the revolution for something as silly as love, no matter who was the object of it.

Still, he was distracted for the entire meeting. He couldn’t afford to be, but he was. He was shocked when everything went smoothly and the deal with the king succeeded nonetheless. He left back for the revolutionary headquarters with relief. He ate dinner, finished up his paperwork, and went to sleep that night comforted by the thought that he’d wake up the next morning having put all that nonsense behind him.

This was true, for a while. He ate breakfast and worked on strategy with Joe and Gilteo, all without giving any of the preceding day’s happenings a thought.

But then-

“Have you met the Chief of Staff?”

“No, not yet. He’s always been away on missions since I joined.”

Dragon’s ears were pricked on the way back to his office by two of their newest recruits, who were chatting.

“I’ve met him,” the first said. “Skinny blonde bloke. He only looks about as old as my daughter.”

“Really?!”

“I’m serious. Can someone that young really be trusted with such an important job?”

“You question my choice of second in command, men?” Dragon interrupted.

The two jumped in horror, stumbling away.

“O-of course not, Commander Dragon, sir.”

“It’s just, don’t you think it’d be good to have someone with a little more experience as-“

“Sabo has been my underling for twelve years, much longer than either of you. He knows the system better than anyone. You ought to show him respect,” Dragon said coolly.

The second new recruit nodded nervously, but the first smirked. “I donno, Commander. He’s a real pretty one, ain’t he, that Sabo. You sure that’s not why you hired him as your right hand?”

It wasn’t, of course, but the question reminded Dragon of the previous evening and he found himself stuttering. “O-of course not, I would never-“

“I know, I know. I’m just joking. If you think he’s the best man for it, I’m in no position to doubt you.”

“…Run along,” Dragon said finally. “Don’t you have work you should be doing?”

The two scampered away, leaving Dragon feeling like a monster in human clothing. Why was he so defensive of Sabo? So defensive of his lack of attraction to Sabo? Why was he still thinking about this at all, when he’d sworn to move on from it?”

“Hey, Boss.”

His heart nearly jumped out of his chest at the sound of Sabo’s voice. He steadied himself before saying, “Good evening, Sabo.”

“I did all my work on time today. You proud of me?”

How could he speak to Dragon so normally after what had happened, Dragon didn’t know. “Of course I am. Well done.”

Sabo beamed. Goddammit, the recruit had been right. He was pretty. And not pretty like she had been. She was pretty like a freshly sharpened knife, and he was pretty like the sun after the clouds had cleared. She was pretty like bruises; he was pretty like scars. She was a thunderstorm; he was a bonfire. She was the ocean and he was the sky. They were beautiful and he loved both of them.

And that terrified him

He’d loved her, and she’d died, and he’d sworn off ever putting that much affection towards any single mortal object again. He’d never again love anything that death could touch that much, he’d decided. He’d be in love with freedom, rebellion, the thrill of the fight and the hope for a better future, but never another person.

The problem was that Sabo was all those things. His legs were freedom, his voice was rebellion, his hands were the thrill of the fight and his whole being was a hope for a better future. Dragon could see the entire revolution reflected in his eyes and had tasted it on his lips when he’d kissed him.

“Dragon-san?”

He came back into reality with a start to find Sabo blinking up at him expectantly, a half smile lingering on his lips.

“What?” Dragon said gruffly.

“I asked, is there any other work for me today? Because there’s no meeting scheduled and I finished the papers, so if there isn’t I was gonna go to the training grounds.”

“Ah…no, there’s nothing else. It’s a slow day. Even I don’t have much to do.”

“Oh, then you should train with me!” Sabo said, an excited spark appearing in his eyes.

“I don’t know about that.”

“Oh, come on! How long has it been since we’ve sparred? It must be at least two years. I’ve got a devil fruit now; I’m way stronger!”

Dragon was quiet for a moment, but then he nodded. “Fine. But no devil fruits.”

“Aw, why not?”

“Because the destructive force of both our powers combined might destroy the whole base, that’s why not.”

Sabo laughed. “All right, that’s reasonable. Just good ole fisticuffs then.”

They walked to the grounds together and dressed down to fight. It really had been a while since they’d done this. Dragon could still remember when Sabo had first learned Dragon Claw. He’d broken his fingers and wrists countless times in the process but had carried on regardless, never so much as considering failure. It was not an option, not even a thought in his mind.

They stood face to face in the dust, each poised to fight. There was a buzz excitement in the air, a tension between them. The prospect of a battle with a foe with anything close to a similar level of power as them was thrilling, as there were so few out there who could match either of them in strength.

There was a silence in which a dropped pin could have been heard and then they were at each other’s throats, swerving and punching and kicking. They coated their fists in the black of armament haki before slamming them into the other.

Sabo was much stronger now, that much was obvious- faster too, and his haki harder. There were a few punches that Dragon could tell, had he not dodged them, might have knocked him plainly unconscious.

They kept fighting for over an hour. By the approach of the second hour, Sabo was panting and drenched in sweat. His hair was tousled and his pants stained with dirt and dust. His eyes were strong and bright still, however, and he kept giving Dragon toothy grins, as if to reassure him that he was doing fine.

Dragon was struggling a bit, himself. He wasn’t as young as he used to be, and it’d been a long time since he’d fought so physically without using his devil fruit powers at all. This man might yet surpass him, he thought. Well, he’d always known that, but now it was looking like it’d happen sooner than later.

He hated how good Sabo looked even when so disheveled- perhaps even better than usual- with the full force of his spirit running through him. Silhouetted in the dying light of the sun, his scarred chest bare and covered in dirt and sweat, he might just have been the most beautiful thing Dragon had ever seen.

_WHAM._

Sabo’s fist slammed into the side of Dragon’s head and Dragon felt his vision falter before crumpling to his knees. Suddenly he was on the ground, Sabo straddling him.

“Holy shit, you _are_ getting old,” Sabo said breathlessly. “Please don’t tell you let me win.”

Dragon was too winded to reply. He looked up at Sabo, panting and trying to process what had just happened.

When he finally got his voice back, he said, “I would never let you win; you know that. You win. Fair and square.”

“Fuck,” Sabo breathed. He leaned over so he was barely an inch from Dragon’s face and smiled. “I’m amazing.”

Dragon’s heart was beating so hard it seemed impossible that Sabo couldn’t hear it.

“You think I’m amazing, ay, Boss?” Sabo teased.

“Yes.”

“Huh?”

“Yes,” Dragon repeated, and then grabbed Sabo by the shoulders. 

He’d originally intended to push him away, do something to stop himself from doing what he so badly wanted to do- but he did it anyway. Instead of pushing Sabo away he flipped him over so he was on the ground and Dragon was on top, and he leaned over and kissed him hard. Harder than the last time, with all the force of someone who’d been trying to resist doing so for two hours.

They were so close, so tired, so dirty. As they kissed it was lie they became one person, connected by flesh and blood. For the first time, Dragon felt no guilt in it, no regret, only a great need to stay in that moment and so close to Sabo forever.

When they finally broke apart, it was with obvious reluctance. Reluctance on both of their parts- whether Sabo loved him or not, he had certainly not been opposed to that kiss. They stayed intimately close to each other for a moment, just looking, before Dragon finally sat up.

“Yeah, you’re amazing all right,” he said.

He caught something moving in the corner of his eye. They both turned to look and saw Ivankov standing at the edge of the training grounds, staring at them.

“Iva-san,” Sabo said, frowning.

“Fuck,” Dragon said.

Realizing they were both looking at them, Ivankov jumped and ran off, saying, “Sorry, sorry! I vas just looking for Dragon! I’ll talk later!”

The moment they left, Sabo started laughing, his voice hoarse from the exertion of the fight.

“Why are you laughing?” Dragon hissed, quickly getting off of Sabo and standing up.

“The look on Iva’s face-“

“God, what must they think of me now,” Dragon said.

“What?” Sabo said, sitting up. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Even if you weren’t my subordinate, even if you weren’t half my age-“

“I’m an adult. I’m in my twenties. I can do what I want. Which means I can do this.” Sabo went up on his toes and kissed Dragon. Dragon felt his entire inside lurch as if puled by an unbelievable force, but he forced himself to turn away.

“Stop it. _Even_ regardless of those things, I’m the Commander-in-Chief. It’s not my place to be doing this with anyone. _Especially_ not you.”

“You want to, though.”

“That’s beside the point.”

“Come off it. You kissed me yesterday. You kissed me today. Even trying to stop yourself, you can’t. So why try?”

“I already told you. I _can’t_. I can’t fucking love you. I can’t love anyone. It’s part of my vow to the cause.”

“Our cause is freedom, and you’re telling me you’re not going to give yourself the freedom to love anyone because the cause? That’s horseshit!”

“You don’t love me anyway. What do you care?” Dragon spat. Here he was again, acting like a child.

“Who says I don’t love you?!”

“Why would you? I’m an old man. You’re young and…you could love anyone. Anyone would love you.”

“You’re the only one who gets it, okay,” Sabo said. “How could I not love you? Koala and Hack are amazing, but they don’t feel the revolution like we do. They don’t have it running through their veins. You do. That’s why.”

“Goddammit…” Dragon couldn’t let this happen. It couldn’t happen. 

Suddenly an idea came into his head. He summoned all the walls he’d spent so long building around himself and hardened his gaze. 

“It’s not like I _actually_ love you, anyway.”

Sabo snorted. “Don’t try that with me after everything you just did.”

“I mean it. You and my son….you’re a lot alike, you know.”

“Thank you.”

“And he’s a lot like his mother. You’re…a lot like his mother. She had the same rebel spirit. You look exactly like her. That’s why I kissed you. It wasn’t about you, it was about her.”

Sabo looked a little shaken, but he eventually nodded. “That…that makes sense. If that’s true, it’s not a problem.” He laughed weakly. “If you just look at me a little close next time you’ll realize I’m not her and not want to kiss me, right?”

“Exactly. I’m sorry for putting you through this. You deserve better. Even if I really did love you…you deserve better than me. So just forget everything that’s happened. It’s better that way.”

“R-right.” Sabo swallowed and smiled. “You are my boss, after all. Wouldn’t want people to think I got my position by sleeping to the top.”

Leave it to Sabo to crack a joke even in situation like this. Dragon sighed and patted him on the shoulder. “You did well today. I’m sorry I…made everything so complicated.”

“No, no, you’re fine. You’re good, it’s fine.” Sabo scratched his neck. “Thanks for taking the time to spar with me again. It was really fun.”

On that note they awkwardly parted to take showers and get dressed. Dragon walked back to his office and numbly sat down in his chair.

He knew he should be using this rare free time to get a head start on one of his many ideas for the future of the army, but all he could do was stare into space, guilt and doubt making a whirlpool in his stomach.

“Dragon!”

He nearly fell out of his chair when Ivankov threw his office door open and busted into the room.

“Good god, Iva,” he said in exasperation.

“I’m here to-“

“I know why you’re here, and I’m really not in the mood.”

“I’m your best friend. Don’t you think I deserve an explanation?” Ivankov said. When Dragon didn’t respond, they continued, “This is because of her, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb with me. You must have noticed it. Everyone who knew her can see it. That Sabo’s just like her. But he isn’t her, Dragon. You realize that, right?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then why in the bloody hell did I just witness-“

“I don’t know,” Dragon groaned, putting his head in his hands. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Iva. I’m fucked up.”

“Do you love him?” Ivankov asked.

Dragon blinked at them.

“Do you love Sabo? I’ve seen the way you look at him lately, so I suspected something was up, and I thought it must be just because he’s so much like her, but if it wasn’t-“

“He’s not like her,” Dragon said suddenly. “Everyone keeps saying that- hell, I kept thinking that. But he’s really not like her at all.”

“So you do love him.”

“Why-”

“If you’re not looking at him like that because of her, then it must be because you love him, right?”

“Shut up!” Dragon growled, making Ivankov flinch. “All this talk of love! I’m tired of it! I’m commander of the most important faction in the world. I’m trying to create a better future for all the people who are starving or tortured or violated. Who gives a damn about love? I don’t have time for it. I especially don’t have time to be in love with my own subordinate who’s twenty-two and could do much better than some-”

“You are _definitely_ in love with him, then, is what I’m hearing.”

“Goddammit, Iva-“

“I just can’t see what the issue is. Of course, you have work, but that doesn’t mean you have to deprive yourself of relationships. Of course the age gap is a little unusual, but he’s an adult and if he loves you back- and by the way he was kissing you, I’d say he does- then it’s obviously something he’s willing to look past.”

“You can’t seriously be telling me you support me… _dating_ Sabo, Iva.”

“I’d rather that than if I’m going to have to deal with you two pining over each other for the rest of eternity.”

“We’re professionals. We can continue to work with each other without _pining_.”

“But you shouldn’t have to! You don’t have to pretend you don’t love each other to still be good revolutionaries! What, you don’t want to get too attached in case he dies like she did? Well face it, you’re already attached. Pretending to not be in love when you are is pointless. Even if you weren’t, you’ve been close to Sabo for twelve years. His death would destroy you regardless. It always would have. So give it up.”

Dragon bowed his head, rubbing his temples. “It’s too late.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I already told him I don’t love him to push him away. I said it was just because of her. That we should just forget about what happened.”

Ivankov moaned and collapsed dramatically. “Why do I even bother trying? Why am I still friends with you?”

“I have no clue.”

“You’re a lost cause! How could you do that to him?!”

“He’s young! He’ll move on! There are a million people out there who’d fall in love with him in an instant!”

“Are there?” Ivankov asked.

“Obviously-“

“Dragon, Sabo is an aggressively political criminal with a track record of murder, arson, treason and millions of beri in property damage. He’s got only one working eye and more scars than you could count. Not to mention he’s busy working practically 24/7.”

“What the hell are you saying?”

“You think of yourself as hard to love, Dragon. Well, you’re not wrong. But Sabo’s not as easy a man to love as you seem to think, either. Easy for you, maybe. But not for many of his peers. Neither of you are simple men. Trust me, I’d want nothing to do with you or Sabo given the opportunity.”

Dragon frowned. “You’re not really helping, you know.”

“…Yes, yes, sorry. I don’t know how to help you now, if I’m honest. It was cruel what you told him, sure, but it’d be even more cruel if you took it back but then didn’t fully commit,” Ivankov said, shaking their head. “Poor Sabo.”

Dragon was at a loss. He hadn’t even considered that he might be hurting Sabo that much. It was the last thing he wanted.

He should’ve just left well enough alone.

“Let’s just never talk about this again, Iva,” he said. “What’s done is done. All right?”

Ivankov looked dejected, but nodded. “All right.”

Sabo sat back in his desk chair and stared up at the ceiling.

He’d always found Dragon attractive. At first he’d thought he was mesmerized by the man out of respect, but no…respect wasn’t seeing that rough dark skin and mane of black hair in his dreams, it wasn’t fantasizing about being touched by the same powerful hands that had taught him Dragon Claw. It wasn’t respect he was feeling. It was something a lot less pure.

But there was nothing actually wrong with it, was there? Like he’d said, they were adults. If they both consented, they could do whatever they wanted.

_It wasn’t about you, it was about her._

Sabo felt a pang in his chest upon remembering those words. They made sense, of course. He’d been told by everyone he knew who’d met both him and Luffy that the two of them were glaringly similar. And considering Luffy was nothing like Dragon, it was only logical that he must be like his mom. So for Dragon to project his love of her onto Sabo…

He couldn’t help but think that the way Dragon had been looking at him when they’d been so close wasn’t the way you’d look at your wife, the mother of your child, your one true love that you were in an open relationship with. It had been too rough, too guilty. Too instinctual and uncontrolled, like he’d wanted to stop himself but failed.

Sabo shut his eyes. It didn’t matter. Whether or not Dragon had been lying about only kissing Sabo because he looked like Luffy’s mom, it was clear he wasn’t going to let this relationship happen. And Sabo understood that. It was too complicated. They had more important things to attend to.

So when Sabo went to sleep that night, it was with a promise to himself to not think about Dragon like that again. Sure, he was the only one Sabo could ever really imagine himself being with- the only one who understood well enough everything that happened to them and everything they had left to do- but it wasn’t like Sabo had ever had any big dreams of love or relationships or doing anything long term with anyone.

He swallowed his love like a lit match. He let it sit in his stomach. It was still burning, sure, but he was a man made of flames- fire couldn’t hurt him.

He’d be fine.


	2. Chapter 2

They were both fine.

For a while.

There was little opportunity for them not to be, since they were very seldom alone together. They were strictly partners in their cause, nothing more, as they had always been. If anyone other than Ivankov had realized anything was different, they said nothing and gave no indication.

But there was a very important mission to be done this week, in a country whose rulers they’d been trying to overthrow for years.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Ivankov asked worriedly. “You think now is really the time to start the revolution there?

“You act as though we’ve never done this before,” Dragon said. “And it’s not like I’ll be alone.”

“Oh? Who are you planning on bringing along?”

“My chief of staff, of course.”

“Sabo?! …Well, of course you would bring Sabo, but is that all?”

“You really think I ought to bring you, or Max, or Morley? This is an undercover mission. You’re so big and flashy. You’d be recognized in an instant. Sabo is second in command for a reason- he can handle himself. Not that any of you can’t, but I see no reason to put anyone else in danger when we will be perfectly capable on our own,” Dragon said sharply.

“You’re right, of course.” Ivankov sighed dramatically. Then, more quietly, they added, “But are you sure about…being alone with him?”

“What kind of person do you take me for, Iva?”

“I know, I know! Just be careful, will you? If you truly refuse to love him, then you had better not make a single move on him. The boy has been put through enough.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Dragon hissed. “But I can’t just never utilize my strongest soldier simply because I kissed him once.”

Ivankov nodded. “Godspeed, Dragon. The two of you have better come back in one piece. We really do need you around.” They paused. “Take care of each other.”

“Of course.”

It was good to spend time with Sabo again, he had to admit. The man was funny and deadly intelligent, even if he didn’t always seem to be. On the long boat trip to the Red Line they stood together by the helm and talked for hours on end, until their voices were hoarse. They talked about the rebellion and policy and what they’d do once the World Government was finally taken down, but also more personal subjects like their pasts and their loved ones who’d died.

Dragon had heard so much about Luffy from Sabo after he returned from Dressrosa that he’d not needed to hear another word for a long time, but when night fell and the ocean was stretched out in front of them, he sat back and listened to Sabo recount every detail of his relationship with Dragon’s son. There was some modicum of comfort to it. Sabo’s voice, filled with so much love and affection, soothed him to hear.

“You love Luffy a lot,” he said softly.

Sabo, who had been mid-sentence, stopped and looked at him. “Ah, sorry. I’ve been talking for ages again, haven’t I?”

“No, no. It’s fine. It’s just…that I can hear how much you love him from how you talk.”

Sabo looked slightly embarrassed. “Well, yeah. He’s my little brother. He’s the person I love most in the whole world.”

Dragon nodded. He felt an unpleasant tug in his gut, a tug of something he hated- jealousy. Just thinking the word sickened him. How could he be jealous of his own son, and for being loved by his brother at that? Dragon bowed his head over the ship’s rail, letting his hair hide his face.

“Dragon-san? You all right? Did I give you a headache?”

Sabo reached out to touch his shoulder, but Dragon flinched away from his hand without thinking. He steadied himself and stood up straight, forcing himself to look at Sabo. “Sorry. I’m just tired. I think I’ll go rest. Can you man the ship for a couple of hours?”

“Sure thing. Get all the rest you need. We’re landing tomorrow, after all.”

“Yes, so you’ll need rest as well. We’ll take shifts as usual. Goodnight, Sabo.”

“Night.”

When Dragon next awoke, he was blinded by light hitting his face from a porthole window. It took him a moment to wake up and process what was happening- he peered out the window and judged by the height of the sun that it was at least nine in the morning.

He threw on his cloak and hurried up the stairs to the deck, worried that something had happened. He arrived above deck, however, to find Sabo with one foot on the ship’s wheel, staring out over the sea and eating a bag of chips.

“Sabo,” he said quietly.

Sabo turned his head. “Oh, hey, Commander. We’re almost at the island. Should be thirty minutes tops.” He was smiling, but there were shadows under his eyes and he looked exhausted.

“Why the hell didn’t you wake me up?”

“I was going to,” Sabo said defensively. “But…I donno, you looked really peaceful when I went to do it. You work so hard all the time. I wanted you to get a full night’s sleep for once. And I’m used to running on only a couple hours, so I’m okay.”

Dragon gritted his teeth.

_Fuck this man. Fuck him for making Dragon still feel like this when he’d sworn he wouldn’t._

“Well, you should have woken me,” he growled.

Sabo was startled by his harsh tone. For a moment he reverted back to the Sabo that Dragon remembered from three years ago- a Sabo who had outgrown some of his childhood tenacity, who felt anxious and daunted by his newly appointed role of Chief of Staff. A Sabo ruled by fear and lacking in confidence in his role and decision-making.

“Sorry. It won’t happen again,” Sabo said, and was quiet for a while after that.

Dragon realized there was a very simple solution to his problems- he could push Sabo away by treating him like nothing more than an underling that needed to be set straight. If he stopped thinking of him like an equal and joking with him, discussing with him…then undoubtably their relationship could go back to that of a normal mentor and mentee.

It’d be odd, hurtful- but perhaps necessary for both their sakes.

They didn’t speak again until they were in sight of the island.

“Land ho!” Sabo called happily, throwing his fist in the air. Even after having sailed so many seas so many times, reaching new land was still exciting to him. It was sweet- no, it wasn’t sweet. It was naïve. Childish. He’d grow out of it eventually. Dragon forced himself to think that way.

_You’re his commander, not his friend. His leader, not his loved one._

“Come on,” he said in his most authoritative voice. “Throw the anchor.”

Sabo had clearly recovered from their earlier interaction and was smiling. He poked Dragon’s arm. “What’s with the foul mood? Are you still mad about me letting you sleep in? I thought getting more sleep was supposed to make you less cranky, not more-”

“I’m not angry because I slept in. I’m angry because you disobeyed. If I tell you we’re taking watch on shifts, we’re taking it on shifts. Understood?”

“Jeez, Dragon-san-”

_“Understood?”_

Sabo shrunk back slightly and nodded.

They walked to the nearest town in silence. When they were about to reach it, Dragon glanced at Sabo. “We were meant to call in to the troops here about our arrival two hours prior. Did you do that?”

Sabo grimaced. “Shit. Er…I was so focused on navigating that I forgot.”

“You _forgot?”_

“You know how bad my memory is!”

“And that’s exactly why you should have woken me up like I _instructed_ you to do. Goddammit, I’m starting to wonder why I even appointed you as Chief of Staff if you can’t manage something that simple.”

“I- I’m sorry.”

 _Push him away. Push him away._ The chant reverberated loudly in Dragon’s mind. He spun around and growled in his most aggressive voice, “Sorry isn’t good enough.”

To his surprise, Sabo stumbled backwards and moved his arms up as if to protect himself, his big eyes even wider than usual and filled with nervous fear. Sabo didn’t scare easily at all, but here he was looking nothing short of terrified- of _Dragon?_

Dragon blinked, breaking character. “I- I’m not going to hit you.”

He didn’t know why he said that, but the second he did he realized that was exactly what Sabo looked like- a dog who’d been beaten by his owner enough times that the expectation of it was ingrained in his psyche.

_Whatever you do, don’t make me go back there._

Sabo didn’t talk about his parents often, at least not with Dragon, but it had been immediately obvious from the look on his face as a child when Dragon had suggested for him to be taken back to them that they weren’t good ones. He’d cried and begged the revolutionaries to not take him back and that was without even having any actual memories of them.

Dragon reached out slowly to Sabo, as one would reach for a wounded animal. “I’m so sorry. I was just trying to push you away because…I was scared. I’m not going to hurt you. Did…did they hurt you?”

Sabo continued to back away, crossing his arms tightly across his chest and not looking Dragon in the eye.

Dragon thought this just might be one of the worst moments in his entire life. He’d lost a lot of people and been through the unimaginable, but there was nothing quite like seeing the person you’re in love with- and he was in love with him, he’d given up on denying that now- terrified of you, reacting to you as he might have to his abusers and the people he hated most. There was no coming back from this, was there? Once Sabo had looked at Dragon and seen his father, surely he could never see him the same again.

Dragon lowered his hand. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

Sabo seemed to shake himself and finally met Dragon’s eyes, smiling almost shamefully. “Ah- no- you’re right. I’m an idiot. I don’t know why you gave me this position either.”

“I didn’t mean that. You’re smarter, stronger, and more devoted than anyone else in the army. You’re the best person for the job by far. I’m the idiot. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, I just…I thought it’d make it easier for both of us if you were angry with me. I wanted you to yell back. That’s all.”

Sabo laughed, though it was a weak laugh. “You’re ridiculous.”

“I am. I’m the most ridiculous person to have ever lived. Can you forgive me for that?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. You’ll have to wait and see,” Sabo said. He danced forward and kissed Dragon on the cheek before walking past him into the town.

Dragon stood frozen in place. Entranced, he brought his hand up to touch the spot that Sabo had kissed. He had already been forgiven, he realized. That kiss had been his redemption, and it was a redemption that he did not deserve.

That wasn’t news, of course. He’d never deserved Sabo, nor anything that Sabo had ever given him. He still couldn’t believe what Ivankov had told him weeks earlier- that Sabo was a difficult person to love. How could someone like that be hard to love? Someone he was killing himself in an effort _not_ to love?

Dragon sighed, adjusting his collar. His plan to push Sabo away had failed royally, that much was obvious. He hated how happy he was about that. How happy he was that he hadn’t succeeded.


	3. Chapter 3

The work was long and hard. It always was.

There was nothing about being in the Revolutionary Army that wasn’t physically and emotionally taxing. It took a lot out of Dragon, but it always took even more out of Sabo- for a number of reasons.

It took more out of him physically because he was still handicapped by his injuries from his childhood. Emotionally it was especially difficult because the man had always had an overabundance of empathy and compassion for other people whether he knew them or not. Mentally it exhausted him, as well. Sabo was smart- incredibly so- but he’d also suffered brain damage from those same childhood injuries, and the effort he put just into remembering everything he needed to do and writing down things so he wouldn’t forget them alone was more effort than most people put into their entire day.

As a result of this, by the time a workday was over, Sabo was completely drained. Dragon often found him slumped over a stack of papers, asleep at his desk. He knew better than to worry, though. Sabo was tough as nails. He was more comfortable working than he was relaxing, half the time. It was his element. The man was born into the revolutionary cause, raised in it, lived and breathed it like the air around him- and for no reason other than that he believed it to be right. He hadn’t needed the love of his life to die or to be raised by rebel parents to realize change was necessary; he just felt it in his bones. That was why Dragon could trust him. He’d never change sides for love or money. Those things couldn’t touch him. His sense of right and wrong was so powerful, Dragon was almost jealous.

Still, even someone who breathed the revolution in his very lungs could use a break sometimes.

After a long meeting with one of the other leaders, while they were walking back to their safe house, Dragon asked Sabo, “What to stop by the hot springs?”

“…Really?”

“Why not? No civilians know us here.”

“You sure they’ll let you in with that tattoo?”

Dragon chuckled. “You know it’s not a tattoo.” Sabo had traced the grooves with his fingers himself, felt where Dragon had carved the symbol out of his face all those years ago. “I can get us a private room if need be, though.”

“We’ll need one. No one wants to see me naked, with all my scars,” Sabo said, grinning.

Dragon disagreed, but thought better of mentioning it. “So you’ll come, then?”

“I can’t very well let a sad geezer like you go in alone.”

“Excellent,” Dragon said.

“This…is an issue I didn’t foresee us having,” Sabo said, scratching his head,

The hot spring owners hadn’t minded Dragon’s markings so long as he stayed in the section of the springs set aside for people with tattoos. There was another problem, however.

_“Tie up your hair before entering the hot springs so that none of it touches and dirties the water.”_

“It never caused any trouble before,” Dragon insisted. “…Though I suppose now that I think of it, I haven’t been to a professionally owned hot spring in decades.”

“Your hair is ridiculous, Dragon-san.”

Ever since he’d left home he’d been growing out his hair, in part in rebellion against his father and the morbid, clean professionalism of the higher ups of the government. It now reached almost to his waist, and floated in all directions like some sort of many-branched tree.

“I know,” Dragon said with exasperation. “It really is just a hassle at this point. I ought to simply cut it all off.”

“No!” Sabo said, so aggressively that it made Dragon jump. “…Sorry. It’s just that your hair’s so cool. It makes you look like a badass.”

Dragon burst out laughing.

“What?!” Sabo said, offended. “It’s true!”

“You really like it that much?”

“It’s the best thing you’ve got going you, not gonna lie.”

“So there’s nothing else about me that you find attractive?”

Dragon immediately regretted asking such a blatantly charged question for no benefit but his own, but Sabo turned so adorably red as a result of it that he didn’t feel that bad.

“Sorry, sorry,” he said. “I’m just messing with you. Go get washed up and don’t bother about me. I’ll figure out how to contain my hair somehow.”

Sabo made an annoyed noise at him and left for the showers. Dragon remained sitting outside, subconsciously smiling to himself. He’d never really thought much about his appearance. It was secondary, meaningless. If he were the ugliest man alive it wouldn’t make a different to him- perhaps it’d even be a good intimidation tactic. He’d especially never cared about his hair. It was a second thought, an annoyance in the shower but nothing more. Now, though, he was brushing I away from his face and feeling annoyingly happy about it, just because Sabo liked it. What the fuck was happening to him?

It only got worse when he walked into the baths to see Sabo sitting in the water, wearing nothing but a towel on his head and staring at the rocks on the other side of the springs.

He could have looked at that man for hours. Sabo was covered in train tracks and constellations from all the harm that others had brought to him in his life, when Dragon couldn’t even fathom ever wanting to hurt him. They sparred, of course, and trained together, but that was a mutual sort of hurt, and left nothing permanent- bruises faded as burns and cuts do not.

In some warped way, Dragon was almost jealous of those who’d left their mark on him. Even if they died, as they deserved to, they were part of Sabo forever. When Sabo looked in the mirror he probably thought of them; when the scars burned, he thought of them…Dragon wanted Sabo to keep thinking of him too.

At the same time, he wanted to dunk his head under the hot water and drown himself for even thinking of something like that. This outing had been a mistake.

_Go get naked with the person you’re trying not to be in love with. It won’t make you start thinking of weird things at all._

Great plan, Dragon, the infamously brilliant strategist. Excellent plan.

“You coming in or what?” Sabo asked, turning to smile at him.

“…Yes.”

Dragon stepped into the water, trying to let the heat of it cleanse and clear his mind as well as his body.

“Nice bun.”

“It was the best I could do. My hair’s just so thick.”

“It’s cute,” Sabo said. “Your abs are as impressive as ever.”

“Thank you. I do my best. You know, you might get more muscle definition if you ate a bit more.” All stretched out against the rocks, Sabo’s form was as lithe as ever. Dragon was continually amazed by how physically strong he was nonetheless.

“Ah, I get along okay without it,” Sabo said.

Dragon had seen Sabo naked plenty of times in the part- they’d changed in the same room, and Dragon had unclothed him to dress his wounds- but there was something different about this, an intimacy in being alone in a relaxed environment that was unlike the previous times. It was an intimacy that made Dragon so badly want to touch him, to hold him as tenderly and closely as he was looking at him now. But he was tired of acting on impulse and being unable to control himself, so he clenched his fists and forced himself to look away, regaining the self-control he’d always prided himself on.

_If you love him, then you love him. maybe you can’t control that._

_But you can control your eyes._

_You can control your hands._

_So do it._

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of Sabo laughing.

“Your hair’s coming down,” the blonde man observed.

“Oh- oh, shit.” Dragon started to stand up, but Sabo pulled him back down, still laughing.

“Let me try. I can do a killer French braid.”

“It’s too thick-”

“Just let me try!”

Sabo shoved Dragon forward and got behind him, starting to attempt to braid his hair.

Dragon had had no idea how sensual someone touching your hair could be, but every time Sabo’s fingers brushed his skin he shivered. There was something about how close the man was while still so far, something about how gracefully his hands were forming the braid, and it was pure torture.

“There you go. That should keep your mane in check,” Sabo said happily.

_No. Undo it. Do it again. Don’t take away your hands just yet._

“Thanks,” Dragon said instead, stomaching his internal thoughts.

Sabo scooted back beside him and shot him a beaming smile. “You’re welcome.”

They were still so close. They were practically touching. Dragon was trapped so close to him.

_Goddammit._

_Goddammit_

_Goddammit._

For all his strength, intelligence, status and self-control, he was helpless against so non-threatening of an enemy as his own second in command. It was the weakest he’d felt in years. The weakest he’d felt since watching Luffy’s mother die. The weakest he’d felt since falling in love with her.

Maybe love was this. Maybe it was weakness. Maybe it hurt so badly because it hurt to be weak.

“I’m going to do something,” he said suddenly.

Sabo glanced at him. “Huh?”

“I’m going to do something very stupid. For the third time- or is it the fourth? I don’t remember. Either way it was idiotic before and it’s idiotic now, but I’m going to do it anyway because I’m an idiot and I can’t lie anymore.”

“Dragon-”

Dragon cut Sabo off by kissing him. They held the kiss for a long time before Dragon finally broke away.

“I love you,” he said breathlessly. “It’s not about Luffy’s mother. It never had anything to do with her. I said that because I didn’t think it was right for me to love anyone, ever, let alone you. Let alone now at the height of our fight for the cause. But whether or not it’s right, and whether or not I deserve you, I am in love with you.”

Sabo was silent for so long staring up at him that he very nearly tried to take it back a second time, but then a smile spread slowly over Sabo’s face.

“I know,” he said.

“You know? I’m baring my soul here and that’s all you have to say?”

“I’ve kissed you back every time. Doesn’t that tell you enough?”

“This could never work.”

“Oh, absolutely not,” Sabo agreed.

“We’d both lose half of the army’s respect if anyone found out.”

“Definitely. They’d accuse you of nepotism.”

“If you die, it’ll kill me.”

“It always would have.”

“Neither of us gain anything from it,” Dragon said.

“I don’t know about that.”

“What do you gain?”

“A lot of things. I’ve always wanted to do this, for one.” Sabo moved so he was sitting on Dragon’s lap and gently put his lips on Dragon’s neck.

Dragon felt a tremble run all the way down his spine at the touch. Who had taught Sabo to be so goddamn good at this?

“And…what do I gain?” he asked shakily.

“You don’t think you do, but you need this,” Sabo said. Dragon felt his slender hand trace along Dragon’s abs and then lower. “You work so hard. You fight so hard for the cause every fucking day and you never get a break. You deserve to be happy.” He kissed Dragon’s chest and the man wasn’t able to contain a quiet moan. “You deserve this.”

“But I don’t deserve you. You…you’re so…why _me?”_

Sabo laughed, the breath from his lips tickling Dragon’s skin. “If you think I’m just doing this for your benefit, you’re wrong. I respect you, yes. I want you to be happy because you’re a good person and I don’t want you to get overwhelmed. But if you think this is only about that it isn’t.”

“What are you-”

“I’ll be blunt. I can be blunt, right?”

“Of course. I’ve always appreciated your honesty with me.”

“Good. I find you attractive, Dragon-san. I always have. I’m not making a sacrifice here. You’re attractive and I’d like to have sex with you. Okay?”

Dragon was struck dumb momentarily before choking out, “O-okay.”

“Now, I know why I’m in love with you. Why you’re in love with me is another story,” Sabo said in an amused tone.

“Well, why _are_ you in love with me? Other than…”

“Other than because I’d like to have sex with you? Because we’re of the same mind, mostly. I’ve never spoken to anyone before who’s understood me as well as you.”

“That’s exactly why I’m in love with you, too. And because you’re attractive and I’d like to have sex with you.”

“As if,” Sabo snorted. “Look at me.”

He brought a hand to his face to touch the gruesome burn scar that marred it and had rendered his left eye milky white with blindness. Dragon raised his own hand and moved Sabo’s out of the way to touch the scar himself.

“We really are of the same mind, aren’t we?” he said, smiling and shaking his head. “You don’t get why I find you attractive, and I don’t get why you find an old man like me attractive. Yet we both think it.”

Dragon pulled Sabo closer and kissed the scar, kissed the eyelid of Sabo’s blind eye, kissed the ruined skin where his eyebrow had been. It felt good, dammit. It felt good to kiss him and to love and to have admitted that he did.

“We can make it work,” Sabo said softly. “Right?”

“Yes,” Dragon said through kisses. “We can make it work.”

“You seem like you’re in a good mood lately.”

“Am I? I hadn’t noticed.”

Ivankov narrowed their eyes.

“Why do you look so suspicious?” Dragon asked coolly. “If I am in a good mood, shouldn’t you be happy for me?”

“I would be, if I knew _why_ you were. I haven’t seen you like this since…well, ever. The other day I saw you _smiling_ to yourself while working on paperwork.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

_“You?_ Smiling to yourself? You hardly ever smile around _others_ except to intimidate or reassure them. I didn’t think you were capable of just…smiling out of happiness.”

“That’s ridiculous, Iva,” Dragon said.

“Ridiculous or not, something has definitely changed. What is it?”

Dragon just shook his head and turned away.

Ivankov covered their mouth. “This is about him, isn’t it?”

“Dragon sighed. “Who, Iva?”

“Sabo.”

“What makes you think that?”

“You’re in love with him, and a man like you only smiles like that when he’s in love. So what? Did you two make up? On that trip you spent together, right?”

Dragon shook his head again, but he laughed this time. “You really are a curious person.”

“You’re my best friend! It’s not weird that I want to know these things about you!”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Ivankov looked slightly taken aback, like this wasn’t the response they’d expected. “I am?”

“We did make up,” Dragon said.

“Oh, thank goodness.”

“I still…don’t deserve him. And it’s still…something I know I shouldn’t do, but we’re going to do it anyway. Does that make me a fool?”

“Absolutely.”

Dragon blinked. “Iva, you were the one-”

“Love makes fools of us all. So go on, you moron. Love him. I’m happy for you.”

“Iva…”

“Don’t look at me like that. Just go on.”


End file.
